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April 15, 2009

Ambiguous Headline Mirth: “All bridge nuts must be replaced”

The possible back story options for this BBC Headline: All bridge nuts must be replaced, in no particular order, possibly referring to:

  1. A variety of nut—a la pistachio, filbert, cashew—that is no longer in vogue and must be substituted
  2. An opinion piece advocating a gene pool-cleansing attack on bridge (as a structure) enthusiasts around the world
  3. An opinion piece advocating a gene pool-cleansing attack on bridge (as a card game) enthusiasts around the world
  4. A story of political ill will, where the leaders of the Bridge party are being called out, either by members of the opposition Tunnel party, disgruntled and/or moderate members of their own party, or by some of the seemingly non-partisan but actually heavily biased members of the public that news outlets favor for outraged quotes in order to support their pre-disposed-to-anti-Bridge stories, over some alleged wrongdoing
  5. An earnest story about the lack of serious psychological testing for the crews of international container shipping boats, using and introducing to the public the sailor’s slang of “bridge nuts”, used to describe captains or other crew members who are psychologically unsound, and the problems this can bring about, especially in situations such as the recent increase in troubles with pirates
  6. It refers to a serious flaw in the underlying structure of the rules of gameplay, either new rules as part of a variation on the game, or an obscure part of competition-level gameplay, generally unknown and/or seriously obscure to most members of the general public, that must be remedied to prevent scandal in cutthroat world of international Bridge competition
  7. Faulty dental apparatuses have shipped to the public, and now must be replaced in order to prevent blowouts as the season of candy apples approaches
  8. An opinion piece advocating a gene pool-cleansing attack on bridge (as a dental apparatus) enthusiasts around the world
  9. An opinion piece advocating a gene pool-cleansing attack on bridge (as a dental apparatus-oriented sexual fetish) enthusiasts around the world
  10. An Onion-style opinion piece, written for humor’s sake, wherein a fake columnist calls for the immediate replacement of any public figures who have a deep and passionate love of Simon and Garfunkel’s 1970 hit song “Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water”
  11. An Onion-style opinion piece that turns out to be real, written out of curiously displaced fury, wherein a columnist calls for the immediate replacement of any public figures who have a deep and passionate love of Simon and Garfunkel’s 1970 hit song “Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water”, thus further signifying our global society’s impending fall due to some undetected chemical poisoning, much like the Romans and their lead pipes, plates, and cutlery, as anti-SLS or -Paraben conspiracists (for example) are wont to believe
  12. An Onion-style opinion piece that turns out to be real or fake, written out of a deep but perhaps misplaced compulsion, wherein a real (or fake) columnist calls for the immediate culling of an obscure, yet devout, pocket of James Brown fans, who call themselves the “Bridge Nuts” due to the late singer’s propensity to take his musical ensemble to the “bridge”, and who now meet at bridges (of the sort that are a structure carrying a road, path, railroad, or canal across a river, ravine, road, railroad, or other obstacle) thus further signifying, etc., some ibid. conspiracists (and so on)
  13. A missing hyphen that changes a run of the mill story headline about the All-bridge Fastener Company into something far more vague
  14. Something involving testicles

posted at 09:20 AM | find it forever




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