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The Definition of Triskaidekaphobia
Courtesy of Triskaidekaphobia Dot Com
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If one is looking for a simple definition of triskaidekaphobia, one may define it as:

|ˌtriskīˌdekəˈfōbēǝ; ˌtriskə-|
extreme superstition regarding the number thirteen.
ORIGIN: from Greek treiskaideka ‘thirteen’ + -phobia .

However, there is nothing simple about triskaidekaphobia. The truth regarding this affliction revolves around a sordid and mysterious tale, shrouded in mystery and gratuitously explicit erotic passages. Read on, kind internet visitor, to learn the true story behind triskaidekaphobia.

The following text is taken from the book, A Scientific and Historic Inquiry Into The Natures of The Number Thirteen and Its Various Effects Upon the Human Spirit, anonymously published circa 1800, Philadelphia.

A Note from the Editors

While we have tried to present the text intact, the volume itself was badly damaged when the British burned the city of Buffalo, NY during the War of 1812. This volume was only narrowly rescued when an elderly George Washington, retired, and perhaps even already dead, heard of the British attack and rushed to the city's defense. "H'ain't they suffar'd 'nough?", he is rumored to have said as he drove Northward. Finding the city in imminent peril, he quickly constructed a laser gun with which to drive back the British. It worked, but the plans, like the device itself, were lost in the fires set by the British army. It would be another 300 years before lasers were again discovered, leading to the invention of fiber optics and then, eventually, the Bessemer Process.

Due to the popularity of this page in search results, we have been approached by many corporations over the years eager to exert their vile and luscious monied influences upon you, the reader. We will stand for no such thing! Triskaidekaphobia cannot be bought by the passing trifles of industry! Therefore, kind reader, please rest assured that the following text has not been corrupted by those with opportunity for capitalistic gain, nor those with specific and/or unspecified religious agendas to flaunt, nor those whose suppressive desires are cloaked in the flag of any country, least of all America's, nor have we, in any way, profited from this page of the text within it, even though we grow thin with hunger and fatigue, nor have we fallen prey to special interests groups or lobbyists, or even, dare we say, loathsome hipsters.

We now present the text, if not in its entirety, then at least as much as can be transcribed legibly by an intern during their lunch "hour" (30 minutes). Behold!

A Scientific and Historic Inquiry Into The Natures
The Number Thirteen
Its Various Effects Upon the Human Spirit

The Nature of the Triskaidekaphobia

What is triskaidekaphobia? If we are to examine Mr. Webster's A Compendious Dictionary of the English Language, it tells us that it is fear of the number 13. But what, exactly, is 13? For some, it's a number; for others, a deadly omen which must be avoided at all costs; to others still, it is the number of pretzels one may eat from a delicious bag of Snyder's pretzels before you get only 100 calories, a great taste that won't go to your waist, Mmm Snyder's; and still to others, the number means nothing, since they do not use Roman Numerals in their principalities.

Empirically, it may be said that the number 13 occurs naturally in nature. Occurring between the numbers 12 and 14, it can be found in conditions where they may be 12 items and one is added, or where there may be 14 items and one of the items is taken away. It may also be found in other rare occurrences wherein six and seven, or seven and six, are joined together via addition.

Lately, tests using the latest scientific magnetic methods have been inconclusive in proving that there is anything unique about the number 13. A high amount of negative ions [ text illegible or missing ] emitted from the [ text illegible or missing ] in the 13 [ text illegible or missing ].

For the Love of Christ

Like dinosaurs and ebola, many people trace the origins of triskaidekphobia back to the lab of America's favorite inventor, Jesus Christ. Besides being related to the Christs of Nazareth, Jesus was also a bit of a scalawag, and was known to give raging dinner parties for all that were hungry, in feasts that just never seemed to run out of fish OR loaves!

Perhaps he should've stuck to big parties, because at the last one he threw there were only 13 people. As infamous dinner parties go, this one certainly ended poorly for the host. Of course, this is only if one overlooks the fact that Jesus came back from the dead a mere three days later, and, in doing so, became one of world's most beloved celebrities. The superstition, however, remained strong in the mind of the ignorant and recently mud-painted Europeans of the middle ages: 13 is unlucky.

Other Theories

Christians may have just been standing on the shoulders of the Mesopotamians who came before them. This should come to no surprise to any Mesopotamians out there, because [ text illegible or missing ] Vikings [ text illegible or missing ] Loki [ text illegible or missing ]. Once the Mesopotamians started their professional football franchise in the Green Bay [ text illegible or missing ] ancient feud would be revived with entertaining consequences.

Manifestations of Triskaidekaphobia in the World Around You

One of the more common forms that triskaidekaphobia manifests itself in our everyday lives is the ommitance of the number 13 in places such as buildings, airplane rows, and horse stalls. Indeed, the fine community at Wikipedia (Latin for Free time breeds questionable knowledge books) even points out that city hall in Buffalo, NY has no thirteenth floor. The fools! Do they not know that this, in fact, is where this most secret and precious volume lies in rest, supported on the gentle cushion of a 100% botanically derived natural latex mattress from EnviroMattress, The Mattress That's Got Your Back, Guaranteed for 90 days or your money back, protected from the harsh winds off of Lake Erie?

Also, they fail to mention our beloved and righteous mascot, the Guaranty/Prudential/Skyscraper a la Sullivan Building, which in fact has 13 floors, which are numbered one through 13 in succession without loss of numbers nor logic, and in which the 13th floor is the most splendid and magnificent floor of all! This is because Sullivan was wise, only partially due to his being at least 30% composed of carbon nanotubes, and able to see that the evil and wicked forces which surround the number 13 would not be so easily fooled by simply renumbering the floors. This is why more than 80% of all fires occur on the "14th" floor of buildings—nearly 50% more than on other, similar, floors.

Preventing the Triskaidekaphobiac Impulses

Although popular, there are barely any reasons to fear the deadly incurable onset of triskaidekaphobia. If you find yourself afflicted with this incurable affliction, here are some simple cures you can undertake to cure yourself of the affliction which you have currently but will not have once you undertake the cure of curing yourself.

First, we recommend thinking of the numbers 1 and 3. Don't think of both at the same time yet! That will come later. Just relax, in your favorite place, and think idly of the numbers themselves. Let them drift through your head. Associate them with something pleasant, like "1" cookie, or "3" way sex. When you can think of both of these numbers in a succession that doesn't have "2" in-between them, move on to the next step.

It is [ text illegible or missing ]will lead to certain death, so avoid it any costs. Now you should be cured of your triskaidekaphobia.

Suitably informed, it is the opinion of this author that [ text illegible or missing ] in the [ text illegible or missing ] by having thirteen of [ text illegible or missing ]. To the Prevention of Malady, to God, to the Healthy Life of All Numbers!

Editor's Note: Conclusion

In closing, please feel free to learn more about what may be going on at Triskaidekaphobia by visiting its blog, find out more about Sullivan and Triskaidekaphobia, or, if you happen to not be of a litigious nature, get in contact.

Other Places at Which One Can Get Their Filthy Lust for the Explanation of Numeric Fears Sated: